Yes. This is one of those difficult realities. When we talk about intimate partner violence, our minds often jump straight to physical abuse. But abuse isn’t always physical—it can be emotional, psychological, and even financial. While every form of abuse is serious, intimate partner violence is uniquely complex. Love, attachment, and shared history can blur the lines, making it harder to recognize, process, or even name what’s happening.
Understanding this complexity is the first step toward recognizing when something isn’t right—and knowing that you deserve better.
You can’t change what has happened, but you can change what will.
At its core, an intimate partner is someone with whom you share a romantic relationship. Intimate partner violence (IPV) can happen in any relationship—across all socioeconomic, religious, and cultural groups, including same-sex relationships. However, research shows that women disproportionately bear the burden.
IPV isn’t just about one-off conflicts or heated arguments; it’s a pattern of abusive behavior where one partner uses power and control over the other. This can happen between current or former partners, regardless of whether they live—or ever lived—together. And while IPV can take many forms, one thing remains constant: it’s never okay.
Recognizing the Signs of Intimate Partner Violence
Intimate partner violence (IPV) isn’t always obvious, and more than one form of abuse can happen at the same time. Understanding the signs can help you recognize when something isn’t right.
Physical Abuse:
This is what most people think of when they hear “domestic violence,” but it’s not always as straightforward as visible bruises. Signs include:
- Hitting, slapping, or pushing you
- Throwing objects—whether at you or around you—to intimidate you
- Screaming or raising their voice, especially behind closed doors
- Threatening to harm you physically
- Restraining you against your will
- Preventing you from getting medical care when you’re sick or injured
Emotional and Psychological Abuse:
Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence, often leaving scars that aren’t visible. Watch out for:
- Insults, harsh criticism, and constant judgment
- Name-calling or belittling
- Controlling behavior, like possessiveness and isolation from friends or family
- Gaslighting—manipulating you
- Swinging between love and cruelty
- Blaming you for their hurtful actions
Sexual Abuse:
Sexual violence within relationships is often overlooked, but consent is always required, even in committed partnerships. Red flags include:
- Rape or coerced sex
- Pressuring or manipulating you into consent
- Physical violence during sex without your agreement
- Ripping your clothes or using aggression to initiate sex
- Forcing pregnancy decisions, including contraception and abortions
- Sexual humiliation or degrading behavior
- Forcing you to wear outfits that make you uncomfortable
- Drugging or intoxicating you to engage in sexual activity
Financial and Social Control:
Money can be a powerful tool for control, and financial abuse can make leaving an unsafe situation even harder. Some warning signs:
- Insisting on joint accounts but maintaining full control over them
- Closely monitoring your spending
- Demanding explanations for every purchase
- Restricting your access to money, even if you earn it yourself
- Controlling allowances to create dependence
Digital Abuse:
Technology can be used as a tool for intimidation and surveillance. Be aware of:
- Constantly tracking your online activity or questioning your social media interactions
- Monitoring your location through apps without consent
- Cyberbullying or sending threatening messages
- Using technology to harass or humiliate you
Recognizing these behaviors is the first step in breaking the cycle. If any of this sounds familiar, know that you’re not alone—and support is available.
Understanding the Cycle of Abuse
Intimate partner violence (IPV) doesn’t just happen out of nowhere, it usually follows a pattern. A cycle that repeats itself, making it harder to leave. Over time, it often gets worse. Recognizing this pattern can help explain why victims stay and why the abuse escalates.
Tension-Building Phase:
This is when the pressure starts creeping in. The abuser may seem on edge, easily irritated, or controlling in ways that feel off. Maybe they make passive-aggressive comments or suddenly get jealous over nothing. You might catch yourself thinking, I need to be careful or I don’t want to set them off.
Explosion Phase:
This is the breaking point—the moment the abuse happens. Maybe it’s an outburst, a threat, or actual harm. No matter the form, it’s meant to intimidate and exert control.
During this phase, you might experience:
- Yelling, insults, or degrading comments
- Physical violence, from shoving to serious assault
- Threats—against you, themselves, or even loved ones
- Financial punishment, like cutting you off from money
- Destruction of belongings, punching walls, or breaking things
Reconciliation Phase:
After the explosion, there’s usually some form of “makeup” stage. The abuser might apologize, downplay their actions, or shift the blame. They could promise to change or even act overly affectionate. This stage can feel like relief, but it’s part of the cycle that keeps victims trapped.
Calm Phase (The ‘Honeymoon’ Phase):
For a while, things go back to “normal.” The abuser might be extra kind, make romantic gestures, or pretend nothing ever happened. You start to believe that maybe things really will be different this time. But the reality is, the cycle is just resetting. Over time, this phase gets shorter—until, eventually, it disappears altogether.
TO STAY OR TO LEAVE? THE DECISION TO LEAVE
Deciding to leave an abusive relationship is never easy. It’s not just about walking away, it’s about safety, stability, and sometimes even survival. Whether you’re in immediate danger or planning an exit, knowing your options can make all the difference.
If You’re in Immediate Danger – What to Do in an Emergency:
If you feel unsafe or fear that the situation could escalate quickly, take action as soon as possible. In an emergency:
- Call for help – If you can, reach out to emergency services, a trusted friend, or a domestic violence hotline.
- Get to a safe location – If you have time, go somewhere secure, even if temporarily—a friend’s house, a shelter, or a public place.
- Don’t warn your abuser – Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Avoid confrontation if possible.
- Take only what’s necessary – If you need to leave immediately, focus on essentials like identification, money, and your phone.
If It’s Not an Emergency – Planning Your Exit:
If you have time to prepare, creating a safety plan can help you leave in a way that minimizes risk. Here’s where to start:
- Build a Discreet Safety Plan: Before leaving, gather essentials and keep them in a safe place where your abuser won’t find them. This may include cash or a chequebook, identification and important documents (passport, birth certificates, insurance papers), medications for yourself and your children (if applicable), a spare phone.
- Find a Safe Place to Go: Consider staying with a trusted friend or family member or researching local shelters or support organizations.
- Seek Support: Friends and family can offer emotional and practical support, you can connect with others in support groups, or you can talk to therapists and legal advocates.
TAKING BACK CONTROL:
Leaving isn’t the end of the struggle—it’s the start of a different one. At first, it might feel even harder than staying. Doubt, fear, and the urge to go back can be overwhelming. But with time, support, and small steps forward, healing is possible.
Fear and self-doubt don’t disappear overnight, but healing starts with recognizing that the abuse was never your fault. Talking to someone—a trusted friend, therapist, or support group—can help untangle the emotional weight that lingers.
Rebuilding after abuse isn’t just about starting over financially, though that can be a challenge. It’s also about taking back control over your own life—your choices, your freedom, your sense of self. Opening a bank account, finding work, or even making everyday decisions without fear of consequences can feel overwhelming at first, but each small step is a victory.
Then comes trust. It’s natural to be guarded, to fear falling back into the same cycle. But healing doesn’t mean shutting love out forever. It’s okay to take your time, to set boundaries, to rediscover what healthy relationships look like.
Healing isn’t linear, and some days will be harder than others. But each step forward—no matter how small—creates distance from the life you left behind. The past may always linger, but it doesn’t have to control what comes next.
A FINAL WORD:
Taking the first step toward safety is often the hardest part. Fear, uncertainty, and even love for an abusive partner can make leaving feel impossible. But every action—whether it’s confiding in a trusted friend, reaching out to a support group, or quietly making a plan—matters. No one deserves to live in fear, and support is available for those ready to seek it.
Recognizing when a loved one is in an abusive relationship isn’t always straightforward. Victims may hide their situation, sometimes even from themselves. If you suspect someone you care about is experiencing abuse, the best way to help is by offering support without judgment. Instead of pressuring them to leave—which can sometimes increase their danger—let them know they’re not alone and that help is available when they’re ready.
If you or someone you know needs support, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY).
